lawl wut

Month

September 2011

6 posts

ideal way of dying

I make my final stand against the alien invaders on the bridge of my ship. I am alone, having long-since ordered my crew to evacuate. With the alien armada bearing down on Earth itself I plot a collision course with the mothership and arm the nuclear weapons, setting them to detonate on impact.

As the mothership grows closer, I finish my preparations and ease the throttle to full power and engage along the collision course. The alien mothership opens fire with plasma and energy weapons, and I return with salvo after salvo of MAC rounds from the ships main batteries. The energy weapons have ripped right through my cruiser’s shields, causing significant damage to the hull and superstructure. Klaxons sound and numerous warnings appear across my computer readouts; one reports the destruction of the main engine block, but it doesn’t matter now, the ship is already traveling too fast to stop. I ignore them all.

At 2 minutes to impact the visage Admiral of the Home Defense Fleet appears in the main holo display. He tells me I’m “a hell of a soldier and a hell of a man” and that humanity will owe me everything. He salutes before the picture cuts out as the comm array is destroyed.

I lean back in my Captain’s chair, close my eyes, and order the ship’s computer to play something dramatic and stereotypical of the occasion, perhaps Beethoven’s 5th, but probably the 1812 Overture. As the music reaches it’s climax, the ship impacts the alien mothership and the nuclear weapons detonate, destroying the ship and leaving the enemy armada in disarray.

On Earth I am not just a hero, I am the savior of the human race. I am awarded medals of heroism and gallantry going above and beyond the call of duty from every remaining nation government as well as all super-national governmental bodies. My face is carved on monuments the world over, children are named after me and my birthday is declared to be the greatest of holidays. My widow and children are deeply saddened by my death, but they are immensely proud of what I have done. They are instant celebrities, practically royalty, however they resist all of the trappings of such a life and elect to live modestly on my officer’s pension.

Finally, the debris of the alien mothership is eventually recovered. By some miracle or other, a piece of the bridge survived. It is brought down to Earth and laid in a 20-acre park outside of the world capital of Geneva at the center of the official monument to the memory of the greatest hero mankind has ever produced.

Well, that or die peacefully in my sleep, I can’t really make up my mind.

Sep 11, 2011
Apple/Mac hatred

It’s weird how their’s such hatred for Mac users. People buy dumb overpriced shit all the time, and you don’t hate them for it, you just think they’re sort of stupid. But for liking anything related to Apple, people are automatically gay. The only explanation is that you’re all just jealous. Perhaps you genuinely do prefer Windows to OS X, but you’re also jealous that people can spend $2000+ on a well-built and attractive laptop rather than a shitty plastic Windows piece of crap.

OS X is a great, fast, and reliable operating system that has many more intelligent and helpful features than Windows. Apple computers use the same components as PCs and charge way more for them. You know what, who cares? If you have the money to pay for it and prefer the build quality and OS, then it’s totally worth it. Yeah, a lot of Mac users are spoiled brats or hipster douches, but not all of them are.

And for playing games, you can just use Boot Camp. So you only have to deal with Windows for gaming, and not for everyday stuff. Or just use Steam on OS X for less demanding games. I’d say that Mac laptops are way better than most Windows offerings, but Windows desktops do make more sense because you can customize those.
There’s really no reason to hate Mac users other than jealousy. So yeah, get over it.


Sep 11, 2011
Shopping Rules: You are not a beautiful unique snowflake

HERE ARE THE RULES FOR SHOPPING. Follow these and it will be much less hellish for all parties involved.

1)Walk on the right side of the god damn aisle. This allows for easy traffic in both directions. This goes double if you are so fat you’ve decided to use the motorized transportation normally reserved for the elderly and handicapped.

2)Don’t park your giant cart in the middle of a walking area (better yet, don’t use a cart! get a basket!)

3) SPEND THE 12 SECONDS IT TAKES TO PUT YOUR CART BACK INTO THE CONVENIENTLY PROVIDED CART CORRAL THING BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE PARKING LOT. How lazy do you need to be to LEAVE A CART right next to your car and pull away?

4) Don’t pull cute shit with the express lane. You are not a beautiful unique snowflake. Nobody cares about your +2 over the limit because you really really need to get to your salon appointment sob story.

5) Don’t go through the self check if you don’t know where the start button is on Windows XP.

Sep 11, 2011
i hate walmart

have you ever walked into a store upon which the mere smell of your surroundings invokes an instant migraine and makes you want to run to the pharmacy and swallow 20 Advil? for me that place is called “Walmart”.

the properties of this hell hole which make me want earn enough money to buy the entire chain and shut it the f**k down include:

- all of those small niche stores run by your neighbors and friends are shut down by Walmart’s monopolistic pricing scheme. it essentially uses it’s bullying power to bully small stores out of existence.

- the crowd at Walmart reminds me of going to some guido infested night club analogous to Jersey Shore. the amount of times i’ve seen people bitch out the poor employees over trivial shit like a 10% discount on some fucking $5.00 item…

- i guess if you like watching single mothers beat their children, this is the place to go…

- i suppose it is also red neck paradise,  you can go flirt with underage trashy trailer-park girls, or have a young senorita beav you. you can also go and buy a shotgun, chainsaw, meatcleaver, and baseball bat.

- they hire illegal immigrants to clean their stores.

Sep 11, 2011
have you ever played that game called LIFE?

Have you played that game called LIFE? I fucking hate that tutorial part in the start where you gotta pass school and keep parents expectation level at 80%

NO FUCKING CHEAT CODES WORKS IN THAT GAME

AND NO CONTINUES OR RESTARTS? WHAT THE FUCK MAN

go to the gym to level up ur strength

go to school to level up ur intelligence

go to work to farm gold

Sep 11, 2011
omg i’m so phet

 

It’s part of the girlie code. Or Bitch Code, if you want to be more accurate.

The rules are, basically, as follows:

Only slim girls can complain about being fat.

If you’re actually fat you do not get to complain about being fat. Even if all your friends are skinny. You have to lose weight before you can complain about how fat you are.

The slimmer you are the more you can bitch about being fat. This does two things:

It highlights the fact that you are not, in fact, fat.

It makes it clear to the actual fat people (or any girl over a size 4 who you happen to hate) that holy shit are they ever FUCKING FAT. After all, if the skinny girl is fat, it must mean the actual fat people are disgusting and sub human.

Oh, and it makes it clear to everyone else that, even though she’s skinny, the whiner is just as concerned about her weight as your blubber butt is… but, you know, she actually puts the fork down so she’s superior to you.

Thus completes Chick Translation 101: OMG I’m fat (but not really).

Sep 11, 2011
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